Monica Lewinsky- What's she going to look like with a chimney on her!?!?!?

Our names go into space?!?!

We've only just found out about this at the last minute!!!! 15th Aug is the deadline if you want your name to go into space, so it'll be too late now!!! Some satellite is going into space with a couple of microchips with squillions of people's names on it, and has allowed people to submit names... So of course, we've put all the names of the Senior Dads into the list!!! Tho, who knows what aliens will think when they see the following names...

Old Fart
Doddering Git
Dame Vera Lynn
Jackson Pollock
Colostomy Bag
Arthur Ritus
Ann Gina

http://stardust.jpl.nasa.gov/microchip/index.html

BBC says sorry!!!

Look at this article!!! Looks like the Beeb found out about the Slashdot crew being a bit sceptical about their "Peter Parker" story... (See issue 5...)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_150000/150885.stm

This boat is a load of rubbish!!!

Literally!!!! It's made of recycled rubbish from New York, and has just sailed from New York, across the Atlantic, to London!!!! Presumably the crew were wearing noseplugs or something!!! I hope there wasn't a dustbin lorry at the London port, or the boat might not have lasted very long!!!!!!

http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/europe/9808/14/trash.boat.reut/

The C64 is back!!!! (Again!!!!)

... As a webtop compute!!! And it's running Windows 3.1 and DOS!!!! And it's called the "Web.It"!!!! I wonder if the squillion who are currently still using C64s (It is the most popular home computer in history!!!), especially the demo sceners, will be accomodating to these young Web.it upstarts!?!?!?!

http://www.wired.com/news/news/technology/story/14435.html

Thou rank dismal-dreaming clotpole!!!!!

Ever imagined what Dick Dasterdly out of Wacky Races would sound like if he was transported to Elizabethan times in Doctor Who's TARDIS?!?!?!?! Now you can find out!!!! With the Elizabethan Cure Generator!!! Go to it now, "thou fitful horn-mad dogfish"!!!!

http://www.tower.org/insult/

Price Wars at Star Wars!!!

Anyone jealous at the US getting the first look of the next Star Wars movie?!?! Well, don't be, because the fact that they're getting it first means that it might be more expensive for them to see it there!!! Apparently the fact that no-one really knows exactly how it's going to perform (Well, you never know, it might not do well!!! Aliens might land before May 1999, or a meteorite might hit New York!!!!), combined with the fact that it's most anticipated movie of all time, means that the cinemas might hike up the price just in case it's a dud!!! They figure that the people who be wanting to see it first won't be too fussy about paying higher prices!!!

At least by the time it hits everywhere, we'll know if it's a success or not, so the ticket price probably will have settled down by then!!!!

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=1850&next=1

Here's one to think about...

Haven't you ever thought... Well, obviously you have!!!! Well, now you can record it!!!! Some company's done this thingy called an Interactive Brainwave Visual Analyzer, and are giving a bit of a plug on their rather interesting webpage!!! Apparently you put this funny band with electrodes in around your head and you can control software and stuff... But's really boring!!! What we found really interesting were some of the wacky phrases they were coming up with on their webpage, like... "Let your brain do it's brain thing", "Technical Yummy!", "Check the Freak'n Software!!!!", "The ultimate machine based mind extender????!", and loads of other gems!!!! We're printing out this webpage in case we need some inspiration!!!!!

http://www.IBVA.com/IBVA%20docs/IBVAcore.html

We also like what someone said on Slashdot about it...

Nite
by Tsk () on Saturday August 15, @10:27AM
http://www.mygale.org/09/softkid

This is the kind of device to use while sleeping. Then it make you
computer does starnge thing
.... and when you wake up, your no human anymore !!!!!!!!

Like Pingu, only smarter!!!

A talking penguin!!!! In fact, it's a talking robot penuin with intelligence!!!! As usual, MIT are to blame for this one!!! It's one of their robot thingies, which is actually meant to be a teaching tool, to teach kiddies about computer and robots!!! Though I think it will probably scare them to death, especially if they're French, because the thingie's called "Mort", and "Mort" is French for "dead"!!!!!! But it's "technical yummy" anyway!!! (That's a phrase from that webpage, BTW!!!!)

http://ttt.media.mit.edu/pia/Research/Mort/mort.html

Spartan Horse!!!

And you thought the Spartan Horse was what William Wallace rode in the film Braveheart!!!! Well, you're wrong!!!!! It's actually use of a Javascript dialog thingy in a web page to look like a Windows dialog, so it can fool the user into typing stuff like a password request and similar naughty stuff!!!! Oddly enough, made-up Javascript windows and dialogs look more like Windows dialogs if you're using Micrsoft Internet Explorer!!!! Looks like this integrating the browser into the operating system wasn't such a good idea!!!!!

So if you ever surf with IE, and get confronted with a strange "Windows" dialog asking you for your password, just "Let your brain do it's brain thing"!!!! (That's another phrase from the webpage, great isn't it?!?!?!)

http://www.thetopoftheworld.com/spartanhorse/

Cheap Computes!!!

Well, comparatively cheap anyway by US standards!!! Someone's selling a PC with 180MZh Cryix MMX thingy procesa, 22 Migo Ram, 1.6 gigawatts HD, 24 speedy CD, 33.6 kilojoules per second modem for $399, which is £250 in UK prices... So they've managed in the US to get round to a PC that costs the same as the ol' Beeb Model A used to cost!!! I can't wait till they get round to making the PC as reliable as the old Beeb tho!!!! Technical yummy!!!!

http://www.techweb.com/wire/story/TWB19980813S0012

Win 98 users- don't boot your computer at 11:59!!!!!

Looks like what was first thought to be a millenium bug, then an end-of-every-year bug (See issue 5...), is actually an end-of-every-day bug!!!! If you boot your computer at 11:59 at night, the date in your clock goes funny!!!!! To MS we say: "Check the Freak'n software"!!!!!! (That's another phrase from the webpage, BTW!!! Great, eh!?!?!?)

http://news.com/News/Item/0,4,25298,00.html?st.ne.ni.lh

Say hello to our new reader- the NSA!!!

According to this interesting little article, the US shadowy types you see on the X-Files, the National Security Agency (NSA) have this system called Echelon, which can intercept emails going in and out and around the US which contain key phrases they're looking for!!! Just think- our mailing list is provided by a US server, so we can immediately increase our readership just by using key phrases like "subversive activities", "hacking", "Iraqi chemical weapons programme", "bombing of US embassy in Kenya", and "Monica Lewinsky"!!! Anyway, hello NSA people- hope you like this issue!!!! Oh, and "Let your brain do it's brain thing"!!!!!

http://www.villagevoice.com/ink/news/33vest.shtml

Do they listen to Rock music?!?!

"And now, we're solid!!!!! (Wooh!!! Yeah!! etc) Solid as a rock!!!!!!" So sang Ashford & Simpson in the 1980s, (And so did some of my friends, except that did a very rude version, which substituted "rock" for a very rude word!!!!) but I bet they wouldn't say the same about rocks with rock eating microbes in them!! These microbes have been found one mile below the surface of the sea by an ocean drilling program. Well, not actually the microbes themselves, but fossils of them... Sounds familiar!?!?! Yep, it's like that story about the meteorite from Mars with funny marks that might be microbe fossils. They're a bit more sure about the sea ones tho, so it's started up the Mars meteorite debate again!! I think the scientests had better let their brain do their collective brain thing!!!!! (OK, I'll go easy on those hip phrases now!!!!)

http://www.gene.com/ae/WN/SU/rockeater898.html

Now- in living colour!!!!

Talking of funny bacteria, how about putting some in your screen?!?!?! Well, that's what Bell labs are wanting to do!!! They're now working on ultra-thin screens which use bacteria proteins which change according to electrical charge. So if your screen "dies", it'll give a new meaning to "bugs" and "viruses"!!!! (Doh!!!!!!) I suppose you could call those bacteria screens "Technical YUKKY"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Arg!!! Nurse!!!!!!)

Oh no- I've said "bugs"!!!! The NSA people will be reading this again!!!!

http://www.eetimes.com/news/98/1022news/offbeat.html

Washes whiter than white- but not THAT sort of white!!!!

Well, looks like at least someone's not taking this bloody MONICA LEWINSKY (hello again NSA people!!) business too seriously!!! (I mean, politician having it off with one of the office staff- big wow!!!) In Israel, in a TV ad, some FBI agents are taking away some dress off a "Monika Lavinsky" and washing it- yes you guessed it, it's a flipping washing powder ad!!!!!!

http://dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/od/story.html?s=v/nm/19980817/od/scandal_1.html

Like a colour Gameboy- only smarter!!!

Well, I've been getting really interested in the various new tiny computers that are coming out, especially those than can run the same systems you get on biggy computers!!!! One of the "big names" is Palm Computing, who do those PalmPilots, which apparently are the fastest selling new hardware since the Mac came out, or something like that... Anyway, their latest is going to have a colour display, and have spiffy infrared connections to the "big" PCs, and they're even talking about wireless connections!!! It's apparently called "Razor" or something, so I'll be able to say: "I've got a wireless and razor in my pocket, just like I did in the War!!"!!!!!! (I had big pockets though!!!)

http://www.news.com/News/Item/0,4,25419,00.html?st.ne.ni.lh

Give censorship a boot up the @#£$!!!!

Isn't censorship a real @~$£@$£#?!?! I mean, you read whole load of websites about $&%&, $@$@$#, @#$$£ Saddam Hussien (Hello again, NSA people!!!), and so on, and thanks to PICS, it looks like @#£$!!!! Well, now you can &$£# it up, with this $£~@ing "patch"!!!! Obviously this guy let his brain do it's brain thing!!!! (Sorry!!)

http://www.osiris.ml.org/~brianr/nopics-snapshot/

News.com report on it as well, giving it the usual "Teenage kid really shows it to the grown-ups" type spin!!!!

http://www.news.com/News/Item/0,4,25403,00.html?st.ne.fd.mdh

Stick man must die!!!

Remember those wierd badly drawn comic features in our debut issue?!?! (See issue 1...) Well, if you didn't like that, you might like this!!! The Stick Man Death Theatre!! In it you have a stick man who gets ... Oops, I'd better not spoil the surprise!!!!!

http://www.sfdt.com/

New Multimedia searchy thingy!!!

Have you ever been on the net and thought "I wonder if Clive Dunn's fabulous no. 1 hit single "Grandad" exists as an MP3 on the net!??!" Well, now you can find out!!! There's some spiffy new search engine that can search for various multimedia files on tha W3!!!! What this "Scour" (Wow, what a name!!!!! Like it's a Vim powder of multimedia search engines!!!!!) has that's original is the ablility for people to put stuff in Windows "shared folders" on their files and for you to be able to download it using one of their funny proggies!!! BTW In case you're wondering, there's no Clive Dunn MP3s on the net yet, but it can only be a matter of time!!!!

http://www.scour.net/

Catching the flu for a living!!!

Have you ever wondered what it will be like to be a gravedigger on the moon in the year 3543?!?!! Well some people are going to find out this week, as there's an expedition to the frozen bits in north of Norway, where it's colder than a snowman's cold bits (!!!!), and people are going to dig up graves whilst wearing spacesuits!!!! The reason being that they believe that in the permafrost there may still be frozen traces of the Spanish flu (??? Maybe they misspelled "Spanish Fly" or something!!!! Though what it's doing in Norway is beyond me!!!! Perhaps he took a wrong turn at Alberquerque like Bugs Bunny!!!!!!) which was apparently really bad during the First World War, and they want to get a vaccine against it and so on... One thing tho- how do they know if they've got the bug!?!?! I mean, they'll catch their death of cold up in the Arctic Circle anyway!!!!!

http://www.mercurycenter.com/breaking/docs/011613.htm

Don't get ripped off by the Americans!!!

You know, last night, I saw the Beatles "Blue" compil on sale on CD on QVC- for £29.40!!!!!! Flippin' eck!!! You can get the thing on vinyl for a few quid secondhand!!! What do you mean, "get on with it!!"?!?!?! Well, there's a lot more of this online shopping lark happening, so you may soon be shopping from the odd US site here and there, so how do you know you're not getting ripped off?!?! Well, here's one idea- there's now a search engine for online shoppers, so you can compare prices!!!! So you can make sure that there's no QVC style ripoffs- I mean, they were also selling the "Red" compil for £29.40!!!!! The "Red" compil's so small it can fit in a single CD, so I'm not paying a flippin' pound per track!!!! Fume, fume!!!!

http://www.bottomdollar.com/

And to help you convert dollars to pounds, go here...

http://quote.yahoo.com/m3?u

Quote like a complete know-it-all!!!

If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about ... five minutes.

You might think I'm being clever!!! But in fact, I'm not!!!! In fact, it's a quote from someone, and I got it from this spiffy place called "Quoteland", which has, erm, loads of quotations!!!!! So you can, like, quote things and stuff.

http://www.quoteland.com/

Disney glorifies looters!!!!

Well, I think it's disgusting!!!! Look at these disgusting piccies shown in the website below!!!! These are going to be shown in the background of "Toy Story 2" (Which is the sequel to "Toy Story"!!!!!) !!!!! I draw your attention to the "Scooter Looter" one!!!!! Oh I don't know!!!!! I expect Disney are trying to be "hard" or something!!!! Well, I shall certainly write them a "stiff" letter about this!!!!

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=1908&next=1

First known Java virus!!!

Well, it had to happen sometime!!!! You'll be glad to know that when everyone's using Java OS on their toasters and hairdryers, that they'll still be able to get viruses on them!!! The makers of this virus must have a bit of a sense of humour, as they've called the virus "Strange Brew"!!!!!!!!! (!!!!) I don't know about the claim on the article here that it's the first cross platform virus- I mean, all the Microsoft Word viruses are work on both Macs and PCs!!!! (How do you think they become the most widely spread viruses in the world?!?!?)

http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/980819/ca_symante_2.html

As usual, the Slashdot crew are pretty sceptical...

http://slashdot.org/articles/980820/0851222.shtml

Do they live under News Bridges!??!?!

What am I talking about?!?! News Trolls of course!!!!! As in trawling the web for news!! Really handy if you're looking for wierd web stories like me!!! The idea was started by someone with the really sensible name "Pasty Drone", who used the "threads" forum in Hotwired to post pointers to loads of interesting news stories from loadsa websites!!!! It caught on with a few more people, and now the crew are on a whole website dedicated to it!!! Tho I think they should really be reading Senior Citizen for the really hot tips!!!!

http://www.newstrolls.com/

Galaxies have macho bits!!!

Ever wondered where 90% of the galaxy's mass has gone to?!?! Well, so have astronomoners!!! They've worked out that there are these massive objects called "machos" which steal all the mass!!!! I wonder if that makes our sun a "wimpy"!?!?! Seeing as our sun doesn't really have a name, maybe we should start calling it "Walter"!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!)

http://www.mercurycenter.com/breaking/docs/073264.htm

MP3 sites review: Old Fart slags off MP3 lamers!!!!

Ever since Colostomy Bag told me about this new fangled MP3 thing, I've been interested to see what resources there are on the fabulous megamighty infowebby thingy!!! So I subscribed to a couple of the MP3 Usenet groups... When I suddenly found I was having to download a few meg a day of crap incomplete UUencoded MP3s, I decided perhaps it wasn't such a good idea!!! (You know the sort of thing- some Korn track or whatever, UUencoded into 7 parts, except that part 4 is missing, and there's 2 copies of part 3!!!)

What I did get from the messages tho was a few links to various "unofficial" download sites!!!! (Woo!!! Naughty or what!!!) So, Old Fart, serious investigative journalist (!!!!!), went along and had a look at a few of the sites!!!

Of course I have to say here that downloading copyrighted music is not big and not clever!!!!! However, neither are the sites!!!! Some of them are really crap!!!! Some of them appear to be linked with those "warez" sites, which is probably why they've got loads of porno ads all over them and why they have the world's worst web design!!!!!!

"MP3 2000"

This promises much, but most of it's not bloody working!!! Try testing the site before you advertise it on Usenet, you idiots!!

"MP3 Charts"

This is really interesting!!!! It's a sort of Top of the Pops of MP3s!!!! All the usual chart stuff you see on the chart shows are on here!! Unfortunately for the same reason, it's not really full of stuff you'd want to download!!!!

"Rock, Pop & Rap MP3s"

Bit wierd this one- it apparently has "rock, pop & rap", but is rather broad in what it considers... "Pop" includes Aqua and Eric Clapton, whilst rap is really wide- Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name" rub shoulders with German ravey guys Scooter!!!

"Top 50 MP3 Sites"

This site, which is a Top 50 list of other MP3 sites, is one of the most irritating websites I have ever had the mispleasure of visiting!!!! Windows pop from nowhere when you select something- then you get the top 50 list, and after 10 seconds, the browser suddenly loads another page advertising the rest of the site!!!! When you select sites, some may pop up in yet another window or they may not!!! As soon as I actually got something from this site, I just picked a link and left quickly!!!!

"MP3 Sound page"

This site looks like one of those mysterious "warez" sites you hear of, but the choice appears reasonable.... Interestingly, the version of Aqua's "Barbie Girl" is completely different from the original!!! It purports to be a "remix" but sounds suspiciously like someone in their back bedroom knocking together a "happy hardcore" track on a couple of cheap MIDI keyboards, and overlaying a bad sample of the vocals at the start of the original!!!! Just as well I had to delete it so as to stay within the law!!!! (Officer!!!)

"MPFreeLand"

This is a a little better- there's a bit more of an interesting and varied choice of music here, including rather Dire Strait's "Telegraph Road"!!!! Hmm... yes, I'm sure someone will be brave enough to try and download this 14 minute track!!!! They'll need a whole day to download it tho!!!! Mind you, it's not all worthy muso stuff, I also saw they had listed that delightful "what's she going to look like with a chimney on her" ditty!!!!

What?!?! You expected me to give the URLs?!?!?!? You're mad!!!!