F@£&ing up PC's- a complete how to guide!

                     by Colostomy Bag of the Senior Dads!
                                   (c) 1995

WARNING -   This article  is  written  for  your  amusement  only!  I  take  NO
            responsibility for any PC hardware  or  software going haywire as a
            direct or indirect result of reading this article.

Okay, enough of the boring legal stuff... Let's go!


1.  If the person who owns the PC  is  using  a low quality VGA or SVGA monitor
    and the graphics card being used is capable of an 800 * 600 resolution then
    try this....  Set the screen driver  to  800  *  600 and then fiddle around
    with the monitors horizontal position setting until the display goes out of
    sync.

    The Pc monitor will appear to  work  fine  in dos but when entering windows
    the display will go to hell (works on my dads PC)

2.  Use the attrib command in MS dos to  show  hidden files on the root of a PC
    that the operating system needs to read to boot (IO.sys and MSDOS.sys) then
    copy them to another location  on  the  hardisk, delete the originals, copy
    them back to the root and make them hidden again.

    The PC will no longer boot!!!

    This is because the files mentioned  HAVE  to  be  the first 2 files in the
    FAT table on the hardisk for the operating system to boot.

3.  Manually edit the Windows system.ini file so  that there is no mouse driver
    or change the display driver to something that the monitor can't handle. If
    the PC owner is running Windows  3.11  then  make  sure that you delete the
    setup.exe file as well

4.  Delete the doublespace.bin file from the hardisk

5.  Type deltree c:\*.* at the prompt  and  then  press "y" and watch all files
    and directories on the hardisk dis-appear!

6.  Randomly set and unset jumper switches on the PC  motherboard.

7.  Set all IRQ's for all the devices to the same value (grin!!)

8.  Remove the line "Setblaster" from autoexec.bat  look  this up on Pc as cant
    remember exact wording of command (bye bye sound on all games!)

9.  Boot from a floppy disk that DOESN'T have doublespace on it, find the drive
    in which the file for the actual hardisk is and use attrib to write protect
    it.

10. When the PC is in the process  of  booting, hold down the delete key, enter
    the BIOS setup, change the values for  the number of sectors,heads etc that
    the hardisk  has.   You  can  also  usually  disable  all  caching  on  the
    motherboard which ought to slow  the  machine  down  somewhat (not that the
    user will be able to notice as  the  machine  will no longer boot but crash
    displaying a "primary hardisk failure message on screen").

11. Wire  the  turbo  button  up   so   that   it  is  permanently  turned  off
    (SSSSLLLLOOOOWW!)

12. Open up the machine and alter  the  jumper  swiches on any hardisk swapping
    primary hardisk and slave settings around.

13. Wire the soundblaster output up to  the  internal  PC speaker and the sound
    output should drop in quality somewhat!!

14. Use the "grinder" technique

    This one has not been tested yet but ought to work...

    It involves taking a floppy disk apart daubing the black shiny disk with an
    adhesive substance and then  sprinkle  both  sides  of  the  disk with some
    abrasive material (sand,metal filings ect).

    Bung the disk back together and ask some  PC owning twat to "Format" it for
    you.  Then sit back and watch the sparks fly!!!! (literaly!!)

15. Delete the win.com file on windows

16. Change the smart drive configuration settings to really stupid values


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As  PC  hardware  changes,  the  various  possibilities  will  continue  to  be
endless...