This Is Your Bloody (Late!!!) Valentine!!!!!!!!!!

Crackers are cracking up- thanks to Wired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How we managed to miss this little gem we don't know!!!!!!! Remember we noted previously that Wired News were starting to get a little more tabloidy and hysterical?!??!?!! (See issue 23...) Well, check this one out!!!!!!!! Here's the opening para from a recent article entitled "Cracking the Mind of the hacker":

"The average computer cracker is an obsessive middle-class white male, between 12 and 28 years old, with few social skills and a possible history of physical and sexual abuse."

http://www.wired.com/news/print_version/technology/story/17427.html?wnpg=all

Yup, sounds like a completely reasonable unbiased non-hysterical statement to us as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, surprisly, some crackers/hackers/whatever Wired decides to call them these days!!!/who cares?!?!? are a little put out by this article!!!!!!!!!! So here's a complete slag-off of it!!!!!!!!

http://www.attrition.org/errata/www/art.0076.html

RealAudio- watch out for the 'wavelets'!!!!!!!!!

Now, you might be used to the "AM"-like sound quality of RealAudio, but if you've tried to actually get visual stuff going on your player, you'll know that the resulting pictures look a little like what you would get if you filmed the televison on a cheap camcorder with a plastic bag over the lens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, apparently some people called High Speed Net Solutions have fixed that problem with a way of sending much clearer pictures over tha NetWeb with an average frame rate of 30 fps!!!!! Apparently it uses "wavelet-based technology" or something like that!!!!!!! What with this, and Shoutcast challenging RealAudio's dominance of streaming audio, (See issue 21...) it looks like RealNetworks are going to have to pull their socks up!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Which, as some of you might say, is a little rich coming from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/990201/fl_high_sp_1.html

We are sailing- on tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, this initially looked like another boring old story of some group starting up yet another flippin' commerical music provider site, but something caught our eye on this one!!!!! The group are called MediaX, the site is http://www.amuznet.com or something, but apparently this is not the first time MediaX launched a music website!!!!!!!! They've done "celebrity sites", such as http://www.rodstewartlive.com "and others to be announced soon"!!!!!!!!!! We can't wait to see what they come up with next!!!!!!!!!! Would it be too much to hope that we'll soon be seeing http://www.nik-kershaw-live.com/ or http://www.debbie-gibson-live.com/ ?!?!?!

Yahoo Suck!!!!!!!!

Well, that's what quite a lot of people are already saying on tha NetWeb Usenet bbs thingy!!!!!!! But what they might not be aware of is that they're unwittingly advertising a new site!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's called (drum roll!!!) ... erm, Yahoo Suck!, and it's a web portal.... Erm, a little bit like Yahoo!!!!! You might think "What the feck (!!!!!) is the point of that?!?!??!?", but apparently this accepts a lot of the sites that Yahoo won't or can't accept, because they're too naughty, or they've forgotten about them, or can't be bothered, or whatever excuse they give!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, this one is a little different!!!!!!!!! One of the sections one it's front page is "Internet Sex"!!!!!!!!! What's really funny is that at the time of writing, this heading has a little icon next to it- it's the icon from "Zing!"!!!!!!!!!!! (See issue 10...) We don't know how long this icon is going to last!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, we don't know how long the entire site is going to last, given that Yahoo has already launched legal action against a "French tobacco" site called Yahooka!!!!!!! But we think this lot are really sound!!!!!!!!!! After all, their site uses MySQL, the same database program we use to make up our issues of Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!!!!!! So they must be really intelligent!!!!!!!!

http://www.yahoosuck.com/

Network Card has 'gigabits'!!!!!

Well, as you might know, SDHQ is currently in the throes of adding a network between our two PC computers, Andrew Ridgely (The Windowsy one!!!!) and Godzilla!!!! (The Linuxy one!!!) Well, it's extremely tough work to get the flippin' thing working, but by the time I do get it going "on the ball" (As they say, in the business!!!!!!!!!) I'll be able to upgrade it to this super-duper network type thing, which can apparently shift "gigabits" of data!!!!!!!!! (What, like whole pictures or something?!?!?!??!) Only problem is, I can't immediately see exactly what I'd be able to do with my computers in order to generate gigabits of data in order to be able to shift it around this network!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless I was to broadcast the details of every lavatory flush from my house on tha NetWeb like that young man from Holland!!!!!!!!!!! (See issue 23...)

http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/990203/wa_packet__1.html

Sorry, our game's crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the impression you might get from some games "mags" is that people in the games industry have big egos, like they're rock stars or something!!!!!!!! If so, no doubt you'll be a bit surprised to learn that one game company is really ashamed of one of it's games, and is trying to say sorry for it!!!!!!! Sierra released NFL Football Pro '99, and then decided to recall all 50,000 copies because it was buggy!!!!!!! They then to people that had already bought a full refund and free game, or patches and a discount toward buying the next version!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, they are called "Sierra"!!!!!!!!!! If your company is named after a crap 70s car, then you probably don't have too many problems with your ego!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPlate/1999-02/01/044l-020199-idx.html

This HD... doesn't move!!!!!!!!!!!

You'll probably remember that jolly nice Ashford & Simpson song from the 80s that we might have mentioned previously.... (See issue 6...) Well, if that song was recorded today, it would now go: "And now we're solid!!!!!!!!! (Wooh!!! Yeah!!! etc) Solid as a hard drive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's because these really clever people have made a solid state hard-drive which doesn't move or anything!!!!!!!! It would certainly make a difference from the old banger in Godzilla's innards, as I always keep saying!!!!!

http://www.quantum.com/products/ssd/

Radio West Milton?!?!?!?!

Some of you young sprites might dimly remember that at the end of last year the Senior Dads multimedia empire expanded a little bit!!!!!!!!!!! We are of course talking about our brillibobs all-music-and-no-talk internet radio station, Radio East Milton!!!!!!!!!!! (See issue 18...) Now, some of you might be saying: "Well, your playlist of stuff like Abba, The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Beach Boys, Public Enemy and Bow Wow Wow is really wicked, man, but when are you lot going to do your own flippin' radio progs?!?!?!" The answer is- we don't have time to do a whole flippin' live radio station, you idiots!!!!!!!!!!!

But these are pretty exciting days for internet radio fans!!!!!!!! Not only are there big libraries of music like Imagine Radio, (Who do our radio station!!!!!) there was also recently Nullsoft's spiffy Shoutcast, which allowed anything that could be played on Winamp to be broadcast on tha NetWeb like it was a RealAudio server!!!!!!! Now here's a new one- and it's a "talkie" equivalent of Imagine Radio!!!!!!! And it allows you to add your own programmes!!!!!! This spiffy lot are called Radio Orang for some reason, and they've got heaps of programmes and various bits contributed by outside people!!!!! You can stitch all these bits together in your own playlist, and publish that playlist!!!!!!!!!! So, who knows!!!! Maybe, we'll be able to stich together our own playlist, add a couple of our own bits, and bring out Radio West Milton!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that we're promising anything of course!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.wired.com/news/print_version/culture/story/17668.html?wnpg=all

Warriors: draw your swords- literally!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever saw one of theose really boring "arts" shows on late at night, and thought: "This art's show's really boring!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't it be great if someone crossed it with 'Gladiators'?!?!??!"?!?!??!??! Well, that's what someone's done in Japan!!!!!!!!!!! In "Takeshi no Daredemo Pikaso" (Takeshi's Anyone Can Be Picasso) there's a section called "Art Battle"!!!!! Presumably the competitors have to draw something on a pad, and then hit the other person over the head with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, that's how I'd do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/newse/0204cu36.htm

See Holly on tha Telly- in HoloTelly!!!!!!!!!

Now, you'll probably be watching this latest series of "Red Dwarf" on your little tellyboxes, but did you know that in future when you see "Holly" on tha screen, you'll be able to see every crevasse on his baldy head- in 3D!!!! That's because finally someone's actually worked out how to do 3D telly without those little glasses with bits of cellophane or Polaroid film in them!!!!!!!!!! And even better, it's done using hologrammes!!!!!!!!!

Now, before you think I've been reading one of those old sci-fi magazines, I have to tell you that this time someone's actually made it work!!!!! Apparently all you need is a backlit LCD screen, and a special holographic pattern!!!!!!! This pattern splits the image on the LCD screen into two images which travel to each eye seperately, just like with a static hologramme!!!!! So, you can send two perspected 3D images to the screen- and you'll see the 3D effect!!!!!!!!

As with a static hologramme, you generally have to be in front of the telly to get the 3D effect, but then if you're watching "Red Dwarf" from the flippin' kitchen, then I wouldn't exactly think that you're too interested in the 3D effects!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'll be quite amusing tho to watch Rimmer say he's a "hard light" hologramme- when we're watching him as a "soft light" hologramme!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.newscientist.com/ns/19990206/newsstory5.html

I've got a 50 inch-er!!!!!!!! (ooh-err!!!!!!)

Well, as they say, size is important!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially if you've got 20 inches, like I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am of course talking about the size of my television screen!!!!!!!!!! But in future I might be feeling a little inadequate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's because Pioneer are now making *50 inch* plasma-based telly screens!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.pioneerelectronics.com/features/9902-Plasma1.asp

Don't mess with us- we've got guns!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only in America, as they say- in the business!!!!!!!!! Apparently some game called "Deer Avenger" has been shifting quite a lot of "units" in the US!!!!!!! And quite a lot of people are annoyed about it!!!!!!!! That's because it's a pisstake of hunter in America!!!!!!!!!! And for some reason hunters in America don't quite seem to get the joke!!!!!!!!!!! They're actually calling for a boycott of the game company!!!!!!!!!! Er, hang on!!! If they're hunters, then surely they'll be out all the time, and won't be playing computer games!!!!!!!!!!!! So a boycott wouldn't really make that much difference would it?!??!?!?!?!?! Anyway, they're all huffy and stuff, and are say things like: "we do care for the environment, we do care for children and family morals." In which case, I'd like to be there when they explain to their children why it's really moral to go out and blast Bambi's brains out!!!!!!!!

http://www.wired.com/news/print_version/culture/story/17712.html?wnpg=all

Loch Ness Webcam!!!!!

Well, one prize that hunters may want to "bag" is the Loch Ness Monster!!!!!!!! The only prob is that it's not exactly been sporting enough to give "Nessie" hunters a fair chance to blow it away it with a machine gun!!!!!!! But thanks to this lovely site, you can now see a live videocam of Loch Ness, and watch out for any "beasties"!!!!!! I bet we'll see loads of people "spotting" a dark pixel somewhere on a webcam picture, and if it goes away on the next picture, they'll say they've seen the monster!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.lochness.co.uk/livecam/

Will Blue Peter put their website in their 'capsule' now?!?!?!?

Remember those old episodes of Blue Peter when they still had Valerie Singleton, John Noakes and Peter Purves on it?!?!??!?!?! They always kept doing this thing nearly every year where they'd get some kid from a local primary school to sift through their rubbish, and then stick it in a "time capsule" which was buried in the "Blue Peter Garden", (What happened to that?!?!?! Did they pave it over and turn it into an accounting department or something!??!?!?!?!) so that in 25 years, if Blue Peter was still going, the presenters would be able to dig it up, and find out what rubbish they used to throw out then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now someone at MIT have decided to do a webby version of it!!!!!!!!!! This "digital Time capsule" is going to be stored for 5 years- that may not sound like a lot of time, but in dog years, as well as internet years, it's actually quite a long time!!!!!!!!!!!! And like the "proper" time capsule, it's mostly filled with complete rubbish!!!!!!!!! Check this out: it's going to contain:

• "An online guide that helps parents talk to their kids about the impeachment of President Clinton, along with an audio clip of his Senate impeachment trial, as played over a local radio station's Web site."
• "A snapshot of Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan's 28 January Senate testimony on the Net-stock mania, along with portions of Web pages and news accounts of the seemingly unrelenting wave of Internet deals.
• "A page from online auction house eBay and cyberspace offerings from more traditional retailers such as Spiegel and Victoria's Secret. The latter hosted a much-ballyhooed webcast of a lingerie fashion show."
• "Women-oriented sites such as Advancing Women, a service designed to help working women, and Women-Connect-Asia, an online network for women living and working in Asia."

Bet you can't wait to see the reaction when that capsule's re-opened, huh!!!!!!!!

http://www.wired.com/news/print_version/culture/story/17746.html?wnpg=all

We're using an MS patent!!!!!!!!!!!

And we didn't even know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's because as part of a well-designed website (Well, OK, we are going to update the look pretty soon- stop annoying us you impatient people!!!!!!!!!!!) we are using the world-wide standard of webby stylesheets to help us with certain thingies such as font styles and so on... Well, MS has only gone and patented this idea!!!!!!!!! And it's atually patented "stylesheets" as a general idea, so this affects all it's competitors wordprocessing software, as well as every SGML document system, and future standards such as XML, which rely on stylesheets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily MS are allowing people to use stylesheets for free, and US patents such as this one don't apply to our webserver, (Which is based Glasgow, Scotland, MS Lawyers!!!!!!!!!!) but there is some doubt as to whether MS can legally patent something which is already an open standard and has been for some time!!!!!!!!! Mind you, this doesn't seem to have stopped MS before- a quick look at the US patents database website shows that MS have patented quite a few things that could be considered already existing open standards!!!! Some people are suggesting that this is part of the "battle plan" as detailed in the Hallowe'en Memo, (See issue 15...) whereby MS are supposed to "embrace and extend" existing open source standards, so that no-one else can use them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.wired.com/news/print_version/technology/story/17741.html?wnpg=all

This industry's 'skin deep'- literally!!!!!!!!!

Well, let's hope MS don't patent these next "sheets"!!!!!!!!!!! Because these are sheets- of human skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, artificial human skin, actually!!!!!!! Yes, apparently some company in Japan is going to start producing "skin sheets" of artificial skin for medical uses!!!!!! Does that mean when someone gets a skin graft from one of these sheets, they'll be "thick skinned"?!?!?!?!?!? (Doh!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/newse/0209sc06.htm

'I Wish I was Cool' News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's finally happened!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone's done a parody of Harry Knowle's infamous movie rumours site Ain't I Cool News!!!!!!!!! And it's not too bad, actually!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.iserv.net/~mikeh/COOL_NEWS.HTM

You can do a lot of 'gigs' with this!!!!!!!!!!! (DOH!!!!!!!!!!!)

Say, you're the manager of a band, and you want to record all their "gigs" in digital audio... You'd have a lot of "gigs" on your hard drive!!!!!!!!!! But if you had this hard drive, you'd have 100 of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's because we are of course not really talking about "gigs", but "gigabytes"!!!!!!!!!!! Someone's just done a 100 Gig HD drive!!!!!!!!! Mind you, you'd probably be able to store at least a 100 actual "gigs" on this HD!!! Just as long as they weren't all 2 hours long or anything!!!!!! If you were The Orb or something, you'd probably be able to store a few "gigs" on it though.

http://www.maximumpc.com/inside_sources/99.2/99.2.5.phtml#SeagateBreaksHardDriveRecord

We 'Be' not an MS competitor!!!!! (Arg!!! Nurse!!!!)

We saw this interesting news story from MSNBC!!!!!!!! (You know, the lot who do that that really uninteresting telly channel with that Conan O'Brien, who manages to be even less funny than David Letterman!!!!!!!) They say: "Most software vendors would love a little attention from Microsoft Corp."!!!!!!!!! Well, apparently the dudes who do BeOS don't!!!!!!! In fact, they're asking Microsoft to stop using them as evidence of "competitors" in their statements in the US courts!!!!!!!!!

http://www.msnbc.com/news/238722.asp

Jack Frost would like this computer!!!!!!!!!!

As you might know, that super-dupey K6 Pentium thingy in your PC box does generate a lot of heat!!!!!!!!! If you were an "enviromentally freindly" type person, you'd probably be able to use the heat generated to boil water so you can have a nice cup of tea!!!!!!!!! Or stick a small wind-power generator next to the fan in order to power your computer!!!!!!!!!!! But have you ever thought about using it as a fridge?!?!??!?!!? Well, this lot appear to be working on it!!!!!!!!! Here you can read about people experimenting with a really efficient heat-sink!!!!!!!!!! In fact, it's so efficient, it actually generates frost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which would be really great on a summer days when I want to store ice cubes for my "ginger beer", but unfortunately, in current weather conditions, it would give me hypothermia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://kairos.dsa.uqam.ca/software/heatsink/

OK, we've been caught with our pants down over MP3 then!!!!!!

Well, this is interesting!!!!!!!!! While over here in Europe, pop stars such as The Corrs have been giving us sob stories about how the MP3 format is depriving them of record sales, (Though in the case of The Corrs, I think it might have something more to do with their music!!!!!!!!!! I certainly have no desire to download an MP3 of their rubbishy Ballykissangel/Lighthouse Family type crapola!!!!) in the US, the major labels are going to be testing actual digital music sales!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, it's not really MP3 they're using, but a more "secure" method... It is however being backed by Warners, Sony, Universal, EMI, and the "Bertelsmann Music Group", whoever they are!!!!!!!!! So it looks as though the majors are trying to catch up with all those forward-thinking MP3 peeps!!!!!!

http://www.nytimes.com/library/tech/99/02/biztech/articles/09blue.html

Caligula: a Word virus!!!!!!!

I was watching this amusing little "Doctor Who" story the other night called "The Romans"!!!!!!!!! It was quite good, but I noticed the Doctor forgot to say to the Emperor Nero: "Oh by the way, one of you Emperor dudes will lend his name to a virus on Microsoft Word programs!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's because someone's done an MS Word virus called Caligula!!!!!!!!! It's a bit like that picture.exe trojan (See issue 22...) in that it sends some text to someone on tha netweb!!!!!! Only here, it isn't an email address in China!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's actually some website called CodeBreakers, and it sends your PGP keyring, if you have one!!!!!!!!!! It's not much use without your actual PGP passcode, but this CodeBreakers just decided to do this just to show it was possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.info-sec.com/viruses/99/viruses_020999a_j.shtml

Here's the Codebreakers site- are they really naughty, or what?!?!?!?!

http://www.codebreakers.org/

Gillette can't be too pleased!!!!!!!!!!!

You know that from Gillette for their "Mach 3" razor?!?!?!? You know, the one where some young bloke is in this supersonic jet fighter, and when it goes to mach 3, suddenly the jet blows up, and all his clothes get ripped off!!!! Then he mysteriously turns up in this room where he decides to have a shave!!!!!!!!!!! Well, like me, you might be wondering about the logical basis behind this advert, but one thing is sure- it'll soon be out of date!!!!!!!!! That's because some clever people are working on a plane that is capable supersonic flight at the speed of mach *5*!!!!!!!!!! Apparently you'll be able to go from Tokyo to Los Angeles in 4 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope they'll have enough time to make a quick stop-off at our town tho!!!!!!!

http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/newse/0209sc22.htm

Footballers- goto Zone 14!!!!!!!

Some of you might possibly remember that delightful program "The Twilight Zone"!!!!!!!!! (In fact, it has been said by some that I am worthy cnadidate for such a zone- which I presume to be some sort of compliment, as it certainly makes no sense to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Well, if the presenter Rod Serling was a "soccer" player, he might have called it "Zone 14" instead!!!!!!!! That's because apparently "Zone 14" is a really really important place on the football field during a match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where it is I do not know, but apparently that's where the final game of the last world Cup was won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's porbably why some of the Brazilian team were arguing with each other late in the match!!!!!! They were probably saying: "We're not playing in Zone 14 enough, guys!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.yahoo.co.uk/headlines/19990209/newscien/918518460-1342496802.html

The 'Real Thing'- in a virtual sense!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever wanted to have a look at a canned drinks machine on tha netweb!!!!!!!!! Well, it seems a lot of people do!!!!!!!!!!! Because here's a list of Internet accessible Coke Machines!!!!!!

http://www-cse.ucsd.edu/users/bsy/coke.html

Shop- from your fridge!!!!!!!!

Now, I bet you never thought of your fridge as something you'd take to the shop with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I don't normally do this myself, except of course when our local supermarket manager decided to run a jokey "All shopping is free if you bring your fridge with you!!!!!!!" type stunt for Red Nose Day!!!! (I decided to lay on a van service for all the people at the Old Folk's Home so that they could bring their fridges along!!!!!!!! The manager wasn't too pleased!!!!!!!!! However, as I explained to the police afterwards, the real trouble started when I suggested to the manager that perhaps he ought to cheer up a bit and wear a red nose or something, after all it was Red Nose Day, wasn't it!!!!!!!!!!!)

Ahem, anyway!!!!!!!!! If you've never taken the fridge to the shops, you might do so in future, and the manager will actually be pleased as well!!!!!!!! That's because you're not really taking the fridge to the shops, you're taking the shops to your fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some bright sparks have come up with this touch-screen thingy for fridges, called... (Check this original name out!!!!!!!) "Fridgescreen", which apparently links to an online shopping service!!!!!!!!! Only prob is- what happens if you put those funny fridge magnets on the fridge?!?!?!? Won't it erase Fridgescreen's data or something like that!??!?!?!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_276000/276870.stm

Infinite bangs!!!!!!

Do you ever feel that everyone's "having it off" apart from yourself!??!?!?!? Well, don't worry, because there's one "person" whose had more "bangs" than anyone else!!!!!!!!! I am of course talking about the Universe!!!!!!! You might be thinking: "Wait a sec!!!!!!!!!! Didn't the universe only have one really big bang at the start??!?!?!?" Well, er, technically, yes, but according to new research, this universe is only one "bubble" that has been created out of infinite universe "bubbles" each of which had their own big bangs!!!!!!!!!!!!! So we're all the result of an infinite number of bangs!!!!!!!! We wouldn't be too surprised if Mary Whitehouse starts launching a crusade against astrophysics now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/039/science/Welcome_to_my_universes+.shtml

This club's not very interesting!!!!!!!

I can't imagine any readers of this esteemed organ (By which I am of course referring to Senior Citizen, you filthy-minded people!!!!!!!!!!) qualifying for this place!!!!!!!! But if you're a really boring person, then you're in with a shout!!!!!!!!!! That's because this is a club for dull men!!!!!! It's called the "Dull Men's Club"!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could tell you a bit more about this website, but it wasn't very interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!)

http://www.dullmen.com/