You know, I really do want to see a proper debate on climate change. Honestly. And not just whether it's happening, as I do think that when you're still able to wear flip-flops in October in Scotland, there is something going on. I want a debate on what could happen in the future, and what to do about it now. That's happening on the fringes, but not front-and-centre, which is madness for a global issue that could potentially affect every one of us.

So, debate: no problem. However, there is an elephant in the room. No-one dares mention it, as it's quite a well-intentioned elephant, but it's still blocking the way through no fault of it's own. Actually, it's not an elephant, it's a person, a person of laudable intentions, whose sincerity I have no reason to doubt, and I'm sure he's a gentleman to boot. Only one problem: he's Al Gore.

Somehow he's become the poster boy of fighting against climate change. Partly through his own work, which is admittedly impressive, but it's still Al Gore, and that's a problem, since he's actually the biggest obstacle to fighting climate change in the US- merely by being Al Gore. If Sooty and Sweep had presented "An Inconvenient Truth", Gore's Oscar-winning documentary from 2006, we could have been living in a different world today. This is not because Sooty and Sweep are more competent: they're not- but they do have the overriding advantage of not being Al Gore.

You might ask at this point if I have something against Al Gore personally. The answer is: not at all. But millions of Americans do- because he's Al Gore. And that's a problem, since we're discussing potential worldwide catastrophe. If Al Gore came out against brussel sprouts, this wouldn't be such a such an issue. However, thanks to Mr Gore's patronage, Planet Earth might as well have Adolf Hitler leading the fight against CO2. Not that I'm suggesting Al Gore is even remotely capable of genocide, of course. However for millions of Americans he is guilty of something far worse- the crime of standing against George Walker Bush for President of the United States of America, and getting slightly more votes. And, of course, being Al Gore.

When I heard that "An Inconvenient Truth" kick-started the debate on climate change in the US, I was interested. When I heard it was Al Gore doing the kick-starting my heart sank. At a stroke, millions of morans who never even knew what carbon dioxide was would instantly become self-appointed "experts" on climate change denial, not because of any rational or scientific evidence, but because if Al Gore is for it, they're against it- because he's Al Gore.

And so I think, for the good of the planet, Al Gore should hoof off. Only for a short time, however. Here's what I think he should do:

  1. Shut up about climate change
  2. Gather a television crew
  3. Go to the edge of a suitably high cliff
  4. With the cameras broadcasting live on all channels, shout: "Hello, I'm Al Gore!! DON'T, WHATEVER YOU DO, JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF!!!"
  5. Wait two weeks, or however long it takes to clear up the resulting mess.
  6. Start talking about climate change again, since by this time, being Al Gore will be significantly less of an issue.